I don't seem to find the right words... Two weeks from now is going to be the last day at this office. Am feeling sentimental. These days shifting jobs is not such a big thing.. everyone does it once in every few years. But close to 13 years in one place - it grows on you.... Not that I've been at the same location with the same team, but more or less, I've been with the same product all through out.

Just out of college, 15 of us were chosen to be in the team with a great person, who had the idea and believed in us to get the idea into an actual product. We all learnt from him and from several others, seniors and juniors, who joined the team as the time passed. Everything was new (atleast for me) and we all believed in the idea and were completely enthusiastic to deliver what has been told. As any new product idea, we saw it getting different names, positioning, technologies - frustrating when you had to cope up with the speed of the change - but it all helped us learn. I've been lucky to have been part of the delivery, implementation and testing teams over the years which has shaped up my career.

I have had my ups and downs, have made my share of mistakes, have had in-numerous fights with teams, have had fun, have made friends ...

Personally - I owe lots to this place - I met my husband here ;)

When I completed 10 years here, friends who had left (who were part of the team of 15) commented that I will retire from here. I believed that I will do so even 5 months back!

Hmmm.. but then things change, priorities change and the change itself starts to happen. I am going to be in a new city, new job, new language and new culture.. Yes i've done it before, but without the job part... That comfort is not there this time :(. But as usual, the adventurous me thinks Change is for good and is going to add more to my experience, maturity and growth and so... am all ready to face yet another challenge!

Happy New year and to all the folks who celebrate Pongal - Happy Pongal!

Resolution for this year to blog more than last year... Let us see how this goes :)

My second post for this year would be the US experience... Have been collecting my thoughts over the last few days (may be weeks) and will 'key' it all soon... Watch this space!

Daily Horoscope of facebook - This is what I have been thinking about today!

I have become a 'facebook' addict and everyday I look at the daily horoscope. I feel happy when I read something interesting or nice (It also gives a thrill to read the next days horoscope at 7 pm IST). I dont give a damn whether it actually happens or not, but generally it gives a good feel to start the next day.

I realised how much my thoughts (may be everyone's thought if they beleive in any kind of horoscope) revolve around what is written and I kind of made it true because of the intense thinking! Yesterday in the daily horoscope, it was stated that I should be careful about driving this weekend. Ever since I took the car to go and pick up Kim, it was there in my mind - how much ever I was trying to shoo it away, it just remained!! So I was EXTRA careful and ofcourse tensed as well. I went to school, picked her up, waited in traffic for a long time to take a cut (all because I was being careful :)) and came to the library to pick up a few books. While taking the car out, I did not realise and hit a old man's scooter down. Completely my mistake and I was lucky on two counts, he was not in a bad mood and the vehicle was not moving. I was going on saying sorry and he just left it with a few lines of advise 'You should also look at the side mirror while taking reverse.. etc.,' and everyone around told me how to reverse :(... But after that happened, I was like 'Oooffff!! Finally it has happened. Now I dont need to worry' and I drove like usual and without that BIG tension that was there since yesterday night....

If I look at the whole thing logically, I just feel that my constant thinking about the mention of accident and the tension that arouse out of the whole thing is what made me hit that scooter. My conclusion: When you read/hear what is going to happen as per your sun sign/jadhagam, I guess somewhere in the sub conscience, it registers. It is always in the back of your mind, you end up thinking about it so much, you almost make it happen - then say what was told was true :)

You know what I found? August seems to be a month of blogging inactiveness for me.. - Consistently for the last three years!!! Surprising... and I dont think I've an explanation for this! Anyway, but what matters now is that am back...
Couple of weeks back, my daughter did not have school in the morning and my husband left her at her day care (WeCare) 15 minutes earlier than her usual time. Nothing was told to him then and nothing was written in her diary for couple of days. Two days later, when I went to pick her up, I was asked 'Mam, when are you going to pay the 200 Rs'.. I was like 'What 200??!!' Her teacher says 'that day you left her 15 minutes early, that one..'
First thought was 'Wow, 200 Rs? Am already paying a bomb compared to other day cares. Not too sure if am getting everything that was promised. I've never come late to pick up my daughter. She comes from school at 2 and spend 3.5 hours while what I pay is for 6 hours and on top of it, am being asked in a rude tone (may be thats the way this teacher talks normally also, may be lack of confidence over the language) for 200 Rs!!!!'
I told her 'Why didn't anyone tell about this to my husband when he dropped her that day?!' Her reply 'This is what it is mam, everyone knows - whether they are doing late pickup or early drop, so much should be paid'.. I said 'Am not going to pay' and walked off.
After cooling down a bit and analysing it logically, these were my thoughts 'I chose to enrol my daughter here despite the cost because of the comfort that I had with the facilities and the way it is run. There were only two packages one was full day or half a day. I chose the half a day. I dont have any other option now as shifting anywhere else mean loosing that admission fee that I have already paid. Do I have a problem paying 200 Rs - No, then Why am I getting irritated? It is because I was not informed about this when my daughter was left there early and am not too sure about whether informed at all as I remember clearly that there is a fine when you pick them up later than the agreed time. and the way I was told about paying did not go well may be because of the mood I was in or the mood the teacher was in!'
So I paid the money and I told them I will not refer anyone as am not happy with this incident etc., (I guess just to satiate my ego :)) and came off...
In retrospect, I think communication at the right time in the right way is what matters to get any kind of relationship thrive or become sour... More about this in the next post....

RESTLESS is how I feel today.. Mainly because of work I guess.. May be it is time I start doing something different. The mood is reflecting at home as well. Nothing seems to interest me really, which according to me happens only to people who have let their work rule their life. Sigh!! Time to do a reality check!.

Bigger problem is that I dont think that I can do without the mental stimulation and kick I get out of working. There were times (When Kim was born) when I seriously thought that I should quit and be at home. Seems that I somehow did not get around it which is good.. if I had had, I would have gone crazy by this time.

So coming back to the point, that work has become life mostly, it is time I think of doing something outside work that will sustain my interest by constantly challenging me. Music is one that I've always wanted to learn further, may be thats what I should do...

A perspective of social networking websites....

On the other day, I was telling my friend that he was never active in orkut and he is not active in facebook either... While I was updating him about what our mutual friends are posting he was telling me about how these things can be received by emails as well and you dont need to read someone else's posts blah blah... so the conversation went on around this and he made a statement 'I somehow feel that people who are very active in social networking websites are having exhibitionist and/or voyeuristic tendencies.. Otherwise why will people be so open about what is happening in their lives and comment about what is happening in others!' - Got me thinking....

Why do people join these websites - I think majority do it out of curiosity to see what is there and also to claim 'I've been there and done that'...

I was very active in orkut and figured out most of my friends had started using facebook and I joined facebook as well. I am very active there as I believe in sharing what I feel with my friends. Dont I've other modes of communicating that? Yes, i can do it through mails, calls or just dropping inif they are close by... but orkut/facebook gives me a wider audience. I post when I feel sad/happy/proud/sick/tired and a few from the network always comment with the right words. I come out of depression/be more happy and feel consoled at the appropriate times. And there is joy in getting touch with your old friends , people from school, college and your town...Being a social animal and living in apartments (most of the time without knowing who your neighbours are) and being online most of your waking hours, what other better mode can be available to make your life interesting?!! i cant think of many...

13-May-2010

Day started with lots of tension. Previous day my grandmothers doc had met my brother and explained to him about the fungal infection that she had got which had caused the breathing difficulties. She was put on oxygen and the doctor had asked if something happens, whether we want to keep her alive through life support. It was deja vu for us as the similar kind of situation happened almost 4 years back when my mom's dad had a clot in his brain and our answer this time was the same - No, we dont want her to suffer.

Given this situation, we wanted to take her back to Mettur which is our home town 200 kms from Bangalore. We had to shift her in an ambulance with oxygen as per the doc's advise. Kim, myself and my brother were there at the hospital. Patti was conscious, but was very tired to speak. She smiled at Kimaya, and had her lunch. after that, she told my brother that she is going to sleep and slept off. She did not regain her consciousness after that. After meeting the doc once again, finishing all the discharge formalities, we left the hospital at 4:45 pm.. I was in the ambulance along with Patti and driver and my brother was supposed to follow in the car, but because it was peak hour and he had to go and pick up the other patti and Zeta, by the time he was out of Bangalore, ambulance had reached Krishnagiri.

Though I was slightly afraid in the beginning, after an hour of travel, as her condition was stable, I was very confident. I was holding her hand and singing some of the songs that she likes. (more to control the way my mind getting worked up about the situation). We reached Mettur, and were 15 minutes away from home, I called up everyone to tell that she is still stable and should be ok. Just after a few minutes after the call, She opened her eyes, I asked her 'What Patti, we have reached Mettur and in a few minutes we will be home', she tried looking around and then closed her eyes, her breathing started slowing down - I realised that all that I've heard the way people die is coming true infront of my eyes, and am helpless.. Screamed to the driver that her breathing is slowing down, he came and increased oxygen, then did not tell me anything and asked me how far are we from home, i said, may be a couple of minutes, we rushed home. I was patting her cheeks and was continously calling out 'Patti, Patti'... All the neighbours were waiting to see Patti (advantage of being in small town), they saw me panicking and shifted her to her bed and started oxygen again, but by that time, her breathing had completely stopped and only pulse was left. In a matter of seconds, that also stopped.

Later I learnt from the driver that when he increased the oxygen levels, it actually went back into the cylinder (meaning she was not inhaling) and so he knew she was in her last few seconds.

I just did not know what to make of the situation. Did not want to believe that she is gone, also was feeling that it is good that she is gone without suffering. I've been replaying this in my mind several times since that Thursday - it was as if that she held on to her life till she reached Mettur. More I think of it, the more I believe that if you intensely wish for something , it will happen. She used to tell us that she should die in Mettur and even if something happens else where we should take her back to Mettur to do the last rites and that is exactly what she got.... amazing.

The phenomena in itself - being alive one second and gone the next and also the question about the unknown part of what happens to the 'soul' after that - is still lingering on my mind and will be there the rest of my life!

May her soul rest in peace. We all will miss you paatti...