13-May-2010
Day started with lots of tension. Previous day my grandmothers doc had met my brother and explained to him about the fungal infection that she had got which had caused the breathing difficulties. She was put on oxygen and the doctor had asked if something happens, whether we want to keep her alive through life support. It was deja vu for us as the similar kind of situation happened almost 4 years back when my mom's dad had a clot in his brain and our answer this time was the same - No, we dont want her to suffer.
Given this situation, we wanted to take her back to Mettur which is our home town 200 kms from Bangalore. We had to shift her in an ambulance with oxygen as per the doc's advise. Kim, myself and my brother were there at the hospital. Patti was conscious, but was very tired to speak. She smiled at Kimaya, and had her lunch. after that, she told my brother that she is going to sleep and slept off. She did not regain her consciousness after that. After meeting the doc once again, finishing all the discharge formalities, we left the hospital at 4:45 pm.. I was in the ambulance along with Patti and driver and my brother was supposed to follow in the car, but because it was peak hour and he had to go and pick up the other patti and Zeta, by the time he was out of Bangalore, ambulance had reached Krishnagiri.
Though I was slightly afraid in the beginning, after an hour of travel, as her condition was stable, I was very confident. I was holding her hand and singing some of the songs that she likes. (more to control the way my mind getting worked up about the situation). We reached Mettur, and were 15 minutes away from home, I called up everyone to tell that she is still stable and should be ok. Just after a few minutes after the call, She opened her eyes, I asked her 'What Patti, we have reached Mettur and in a few minutes we will be home', she tried looking around and then closed her eyes, her breathing started slowing down - I realised that all that I've heard the way people die is coming true infront of my eyes, and am helpless.. Screamed to the driver that her breathing is slowing down, he came and increased oxygen, then did not tell me anything and asked me how far are we from home, i said, may be a couple of minutes, we rushed home. I was patting her cheeks and was continously calling out 'Patti, Patti'... All the neighbours were waiting to see Patti (advantage of being in small town), they saw me panicking and shifted her to her bed and started oxygen again, but by that time, her breathing had completely stopped and only pulse was left. In a matter of seconds, that also stopped.
Later I learnt from the driver that when he increased the oxygen levels, it actually went back into the cylinder (meaning she was not inhaling) and so he knew she was in her last few seconds.
I just did not know what to make of the situation. Did not want to believe that she is gone, also was feeling that it is good that she is gone without suffering. I've been replaying this in my mind several times since that Thursday - it was as if that she held on to her life till she reached Mettur. More I think of it, the more I believe that if you intensely wish for something , it will happen. She used to tell us that she should die in Mettur and even if something happens else where we should take her back to Mettur to do the last rites and that is exactly what she got.... amazing.
The phenomena in itself - being alive one second and gone the next and also the question about the unknown part of what happens to the 'soul' after that - is still lingering on my mind and will be there the rest of my life!
May her soul rest in peace. We all will miss you paatti...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Hunger makes me angry and irritated, big time!
For the past few days, I've been forgetting my snacks which I try and have at around evening in office, I come back home feeling ravenous. Since my mood goes for a toss, I invariably end up fighting with Kim while bringing her back from day care. Felt sad about that, chided myself for not behaving like a grown up when I know the root cause of my behavior, today, I took my snack(an energy bar).
Got stuck in office , hurried to Kim's day care at the last minute, picked her up and was stuck in traffic also. Finally, with great difficulty, (car stopped twice and people were honking behind me, but I was determined not to stay hungry!), I opened my bag and took my snack bar. Kim turned and saw it. There went my snack - "Amma, enakku idhu romba pidikkum amma, but I will share it with you ". Sharing is something that she is learning newly and reluctantly she gives me 1/20th of the snack bar and with that much going in, my body was screaming for more and the result is - read the first statement!
When I reached home, I was glad that food was ready for the evening, filled up the plate and sat to eat. One would think that my mood would have got better as I've finally seen food! NO....When there are four kids around - one a 3.5 yrs old, two above 80+ and one canine - all trying to grab my attention one way or the other over and above the noise from TV, even before my brain realised that I'm taking care of the hunger, the irritation just ended up becoming exponential. If I look back at the situation it is just hilarious but, believe me, it did not seem so while I was experiencing it. Finally I ended up screaming at all of them at the top of my voice and ofcourse ended up feeling bad - ONCE AGAIN!!!!!
For the past few days, I've been forgetting my snacks which I try and have at around evening in office, I come back home feeling ravenous. Since my mood goes for a toss, I invariably end up fighting with Kim while bringing her back from day care. Felt sad about that, chided myself for not behaving like a grown up when I know the root cause of my behavior, today, I took my snack(an energy bar).
Got stuck in office , hurried to Kim's day care at the last minute, picked her up and was stuck in traffic also. Finally, with great difficulty, (car stopped twice and people were honking behind me, but I was determined not to stay hungry!), I opened my bag and took my snack bar. Kim turned and saw it. There went my snack - "Amma, enakku idhu romba pidikkum amma, but I will share it with you ". Sharing is something that she is learning newly and reluctantly she gives me 1/20th of the snack bar and with that much going in, my body was screaming for more and the result is - read the first statement!
When I reached home, I was glad that food was ready for the evening, filled up the plate and sat to eat. One would think that my mood would have got better as I've finally seen food! NO....When there are four kids around - one a 3.5 yrs old, two above 80+ and one canine - all trying to grab my attention one way or the other over and above the noise from TV, even before my brain realised that I'm taking care of the hunger, the irritation just ended up becoming exponential. If I look back at the situation it is just hilarious but, believe me, it did not seem so while I was experiencing it. Finally I ended up screaming at all of them at the top of my voice and ofcourse ended up feeling bad - ONCE AGAIN!!!!!
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
There are some days when you really feel that you are lost. Today is one such day. I've to keep reminding myself what are the things that needs to be done and have to push myself to go on doing those. I think it is a fight between mind, body and heart. Mind is fresh and clear and ready to go, heart is in its own world and the body tired becuase of the bout of fever and the intake of antibiotics. They dont have an aligned goal(effects of appraisal discussions!) to work towards. Such conflicts makes the day very unproductive as I keep jumping from one task to another OR think that am doing so many tasks in parallel, but not complete anything.In these situations, normally music helps - especially Ilayaraja's, but today that did not help. Tried the songs from 'Kadhaal Vedham' of Hariharan.. This is associated with lots of memories for me, even that did not help much. Finally the only solution was to take the tasks as they come to make the day atleast a decently productive one...
Monday, March 01, 2010
This years birthday was celebrated with a difference.
I went to Trivandrum to participate in the pongala for Attukal bagavathy devi. Every year it comes around the end of Feb or beginning of March. This year it happened on my birthday Feb 28th. My MIL has been doing it for more than 20 years. She believes in the devi completely. It has gained popularity over years and this year the count was around 30 Lakhs. Ever since I got married, I've been talking about attending one and finally this time I made it.
Our place was in someone's house who my MIL and her friends know for years and they have been doing pongala in this house for the past 10+ years. There are around 11 places reserved our group. Place is around a feet by two approximately which is just enough for keeping the 3 bricks (which is the stove) and for you to stand infront of that. And there is just a few inch gap between yours and the next persons. The necessary materials - bricks, mud pot, Dry coconut leaves, and 'kodumbu' or 'kodhumbu'(this exists in the tree along with the coconut flowers, just could not find the english equivalent!) had been kept in that house a week back. People who dont have any such pre arrangement find it very difficult to get a place. some of them come the previous day and sit in any of the 'allowed' pongala streets/roads...
We packed each of our bags with the 250 gms of rice, a kilo of jaggery, ghee, coconut, water to drink, paper to pack the pot after pongala, some vessels to wash the rice, plates to cover the pots, knife and towels on Saturday. On the day of pongala, we got ready by 4:45 am in the morning. Autos that were booked, a week in advance, picked us up and took us to a place called kaaladi which is around a km from the temple. Police and volunteers work round the clock to regulate traffic. I felt that the whole city understands the enormousity of this event and all were working towards making things done smoothly. We had a glitch - one of the autos ran out of petrol and with gods grace got another auto who agreed to drop us at our destination - I was told that our auto had two first timers and devi generally try to test the faith. At that moment, I just hoped that things will go on smoothly. My problem is that if something wrong happens, then I start attributing every little mishaps that come in life to this incident for a long time..
We reached their house at around 6:30 am. Some of my MIL's friends had reached earlier. Bricks were arranged in a line. All pots were kept on the 'aduppu/stove' after washing, filled with required amount of water, all kodhumbu kept near us for easy access, rice washed and kept ready near the pot - all these activities took an hour and a half. We wanted to have a darshan of devi before the pongala began. I think usually, someone in the group manages to get special passes and hence they go from side gates and finish their darshan in less than half an hour time. Am of the opinion that any darshan, you should go through the hardship everyone goes through for you to value it that much. Also, the positive vibes of the crowd also gets to you while standing and hence you feel good (funda :)). This time, they could not manage any passes and so we went to the main gate, saw the hugggggggeeeeeeee line and returned back as we did not want to miss the start time.
At 10:10 am, everyone was ready and almost waiting for the 'get, set, go' signal. In the temple, the main pongala aduppu was lit and there was this sound of the drums and kolavai along with that which is heard in the places close to the temple and I believe in the places slightly far off, they go by the live telecast... All of us, lit our aduppu from the lamp that the owner of the house had lit and started the process of making pongala - which is letting the water to come to boil, put the washed rice in it after putting a little in the aduppu, wait till it boil and flows out of the pot, add jaggery and wait for the pongala to get done. After that add roasted coconut pieces, cardomom powder etc., Since I've used firewood stoves at home when I was in school, I had less trouble in getting the pongala done with minimal use of resources (I was feeling very proud about it!), while I saw many struggling. Fire was outside the aduppu also for some and for some there was so much smoke. Whatever it was, it was a problem for the person standing next to them. I saw two things that are taught in fire drills being used here. 1. Everyone is insisted to sit as you tend to be less affected by smoke than when you are standing 2. All were using wet towels to safegaurd their eyes and also to be able to breathe in the smoke.
Sun was not too bright till we finished making pongala and there was less wind. I was prepared enough by everyone for the worst conditions and hence it was a pleasant surprise. After finishing the pongala, it is just closed and kept on the aduppu. Fire is also put off. The house owner was serving lunch after hers was finished. While there were some in the group who doesnot eat till the neivedyam is over (which was scheduled at 3:15 pm), since I felt guiddy even during the middle of when I was making it, I decided to go ahead and eat. HAd lunch and waited for everyone elses to get over. Refreshed a little bit and went and stood in the longgggggggg line. It was organised so well that in an hour, we had a nice darshan and were out. Waited for the neivedyam in the main sannidhi and waited for the 'potri' to come to our place and sprinkle water in our pots. Since they make it a point that every single pot is offered to the god, thousands of potri's go around all the places where pongala was put and the entire process is managed within a couple of hours.
As soon as that gets over, people immediately leave. Police and volunteers everywhere to regulate the traffic. We had a flight to catch at 7:45 pm and hence took off as soon as the neivedyam happened. Even with couple of traffic jams, reached home on time, packed our luggages and reached airport just about half an hour before the flight departure! All through the way back, there were several people distributing juices, watermelon pieces, water to all the devotees.
I was just amazed about the planning and execution of the entire phenomena. Hats off to the organisers!
For me, this is the first time, I've ever done something so spritual in life and I kind of felt so contented...
I went to Trivandrum to participate in the pongala for Attukal bagavathy devi. Every year it comes around the end of Feb or beginning of March. This year it happened on my birthday Feb 28th. My MIL has been doing it for more than 20 years. She believes in the devi completely. It has gained popularity over years and this year the count was around 30 Lakhs. Ever since I got married, I've been talking about attending one and finally this time I made it.
Our place was in someone's house who my MIL and her friends know for years and they have been doing pongala in this house for the past 10+ years. There are around 11 places reserved our group. Place is around a feet by two approximately which is just enough for keeping the 3 bricks (which is the stove) and for you to stand infront of that. And there is just a few inch gap between yours and the next persons. The necessary materials - bricks, mud pot, Dry coconut leaves, and 'kodumbu' or 'kodhumbu'(this exists in the tree along with the coconut flowers, just could not find the english equivalent!) had been kept in that house a week back. People who dont have any such pre arrangement find it very difficult to get a place. some of them come the previous day and sit in any of the 'allowed' pongala streets/roads...
We packed each of our bags with the 250 gms of rice, a kilo of jaggery, ghee, coconut, water to drink, paper to pack the pot after pongala, some vessels to wash the rice, plates to cover the pots, knife and towels on Saturday. On the day of pongala, we got ready by 4:45 am in the morning. Autos that were booked, a week in advance, picked us up and took us to a place called kaaladi which is around a km from the temple. Police and volunteers work round the clock to regulate traffic. I felt that the whole city understands the enormousity of this event and all were working towards making things done smoothly. We had a glitch - one of the autos ran out of petrol and with gods grace got another auto who agreed to drop us at our destination - I was told that our auto had two first timers and devi generally try to test the faith. At that moment, I just hoped that things will go on smoothly. My problem is that if something wrong happens, then I start attributing every little mishaps that come in life to this incident for a long time..
We reached their house at around 6:30 am. Some of my MIL's friends had reached earlier. Bricks were arranged in a line. All pots were kept on the 'aduppu/stove' after washing, filled with required amount of water, all kodhumbu kept near us for easy access, rice washed and kept ready near the pot - all these activities took an hour and a half. We wanted to have a darshan of devi before the pongala began. I think usually, someone in the group manages to get special passes and hence they go from side gates and finish their darshan in less than half an hour time. Am of the opinion that any darshan, you should go through the hardship everyone goes through for you to value it that much. Also, the positive vibes of the crowd also gets to you while standing and hence you feel good (funda :)). This time, they could not manage any passes and so we went to the main gate, saw the hugggggggeeeeeeee line and returned back as we did not want to miss the start time.
At 10:10 am, everyone was ready and almost waiting for the 'get, set, go' signal. In the temple, the main pongala aduppu was lit and there was this sound of the drums and kolavai along with that which is heard in the places close to the temple and I believe in the places slightly far off, they go by the live telecast... All of us, lit our aduppu from the lamp that the owner of the house had lit and started the process of making pongala - which is letting the water to come to boil, put the washed rice in it after putting a little in the aduppu, wait till it boil and flows out of the pot, add jaggery and wait for the pongala to get done. After that add roasted coconut pieces, cardomom powder etc., Since I've used firewood stoves at home when I was in school, I had less trouble in getting the pongala done with minimal use of resources (I was feeling very proud about it!), while I saw many struggling. Fire was outside the aduppu also for some and for some there was so much smoke. Whatever it was, it was a problem for the person standing next to them. I saw two things that are taught in fire drills being used here. 1. Everyone is insisted to sit as you tend to be less affected by smoke than when you are standing 2. All were using wet towels to safegaurd their eyes and also to be able to breathe in the smoke.
Sun was not too bright till we finished making pongala and there was less wind. I was prepared enough by everyone for the worst conditions and hence it was a pleasant surprise. After finishing the pongala, it is just closed and kept on the aduppu. Fire is also put off. The house owner was serving lunch after hers was finished. While there were some in the group who doesnot eat till the neivedyam is over (which was scheduled at 3:15 pm), since I felt guiddy even during the middle of when I was making it, I decided to go ahead and eat. HAd lunch and waited for everyone elses to get over. Refreshed a little bit and went and stood in the longgggggggg line. It was organised so well that in an hour, we had a nice darshan and were out. Waited for the neivedyam in the main sannidhi and waited for the 'potri' to come to our place and sprinkle water in our pots. Since they make it a point that every single pot is offered to the god, thousands of potri's go around all the places where pongala was put and the entire process is managed within a couple of hours.
As soon as that gets over, people immediately leave. Police and volunteers everywhere to regulate the traffic. We had a flight to catch at 7:45 pm and hence took off as soon as the neivedyam happened. Even with couple of traffic jams, reached home on time, packed our luggages and reached airport just about half an hour before the flight departure! All through the way back, there were several people distributing juices, watermelon pieces, water to all the devotees.
I was just amazed about the planning and execution of the entire phenomena. Hats off to the organisers!
For me, this is the first time, I've ever done something so spritual in life and I kind of felt so contented...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Her looks and hugs when she is afraid, her smile when she is happy, her expression when she is shy or sad or hurt, the gleam in her eyes when she is about to do something naughty, her laughter when something funny occurs - It is all worth a fortune and hope I will remember all these even when she grows up...
The way she holds my hand when she goes to sleep, the way she looks at me when she is hurt -thinking that my words and hugs will heal her, the way she holds me tight when she is afraid thinking that I will protect her from every evil in the world - the way my heart feels in those moments is something that I cannot describe in words..
The pride and joy that i get when I see her solve a puzzle, learn something new, dance, sing etc., Now I can understand that tamil proverb 'kakaikku than kunju pon kunju'(loosely translated - even for a crow its child is the best in the world). Hope I just encourage her to do things that interest her and not push her to something because it interests me.
My daughter.. she is the best in the world. I love you Kim. Thank you god!
The way she holds my hand when she goes to sleep, the way she looks at me when she is hurt -thinking that my words and hugs will heal her, the way she holds me tight when she is afraid thinking that I will protect her from every evil in the world - the way my heart feels in those moments is something that I cannot describe in words..
The pride and joy that i get when I see her solve a puzzle, learn something new, dance, sing etc., Now I can understand that tamil proverb 'kakaikku than kunju pon kunju'(loosely translated - even for a crow its child is the best in the world). Hope I just encourage her to do things that interest her and not push her to something because it interests me.
My daughter.. she is the best in the world. I love you Kim. Thank you god!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Very emotional day today. After so much of thinking, I made this trip with my brother in the morning to attend a wedding. Had to really push myself so hard as I had hundred reasons not to do it - like it is in the middle of the week, have to wake up really early in the morning (at 2 am) as it is an early muhurtam etc., etc., But my heart was telling me that I somehow should make it and at the end, I am glad I did it!
This is a wedding of the daughter of a family friend. We stayed in their house for rent from when I was a few months baby till I became 8. And even when we moved to other houses in the same town and finally to our own one, the relationship continued. The uncles and aunts got married and they had their kids and we all grew up together and as friends. Once i went off to study and then to work, it kind of has been a diluted relationship (and there were tiffs between elders on numerous things and they kind of agreed to disagree and parted) atleast from my side. We used to meet rarely, but used to get updates from parents and other common friends about the happenings and whereabouts.
I was touched by the number of people who love me unconditionally and I was feeling bad that I have not taken too many minutes in my life to tell them that I remember them and I cherish all the memories. There is this aunt who used to feed me and play with me and keep my engaged and consider me as her eldest daughter - I realised that I've not seen her in 16 years!!! She actually fed me today also :) Likewise, there were so many - I was really feeling heady after talking to all of them. They all were really really HAPPY to see us after so long. And I'm happy that I listened to my heart!
This is a wedding of the daughter of a family friend. We stayed in their house for rent from when I was a few months baby till I became 8. And even when we moved to other houses in the same town and finally to our own one, the relationship continued. The uncles and aunts got married and they had their kids and we all grew up together and as friends. Once i went off to study and then to work, it kind of has been a diluted relationship (and there were tiffs between elders on numerous things and they kind of agreed to disagree and parted) atleast from my side. We used to meet rarely, but used to get updates from parents and other common friends about the happenings and whereabouts.
I was touched by the number of people who love me unconditionally and I was feeling bad that I have not taken too many minutes in my life to tell them that I remember them and I cherish all the memories. There is this aunt who used to feed me and play with me and keep my engaged and consider me as her eldest daughter - I realised that I've not seen her in 16 years!!! She actually fed me today also :) Likewise, there were so many - I was really feeling heady after talking to all of them. They all were really really HAPPY to see us after so long. And I'm happy that I listened to my heart!
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